It has been almost a year now. 338 days to be exact. Sometimes I wonder if you count days too. 338 days since I have spelled out your name. Sometimes, I say it in my head, your name, just to feel it rip through me. 338 days and yet I cannot make myself say it without cringing or tearing up. It is almost like my mouth knows the weight of your name.
It had been only two weeks after we had met when you told me that you were terrified of losing me. I believed it. Lapped up your words, like water to a quenched man. I was always a careful person, and yet I slipped with you. Opened up to you to the deepest level; showed you my inner face and let you read all that is inscribed in my soul. I introduced you to my deepest fear and flew with you during my most joyous times. Time passes and people change, that is the best and yet the most painful part about life.
I could see it. I saw your eyes and noticed the absence of excitement in them even when we met after a long time. Your bright eyes, gray and green and sparks of amber, suddenly seemed muddy brown. I saw the love flee, and darling it was the most painful part of you leaving me.
I wonder what you did that day after you left me in middle of the conversation and never once looked back. Did you take a sigh of relief on getting me off your back? Or did you cry yourself to sleep like I still do sometimes. You cried to my bestfriend about how I refused to leave you in peace, and she told you to be straight-forward. But how could you? You knew what she didn’t.
You knew how I clutched you to my chest and promised to never leave you or let you leave.
How I promised to hold you up with unequivocal faith even when yours was crumbling apart. Remember how I held you while you cried for hours during your darkest times and yet here you were, looking for an escape when I am in my melancholia. You remembered how I warned you against it and you promised, no matter what we would fight it out. You promised things that nobody forced you to promise. Everything you ever said, you never kept.
You claimed your friends knew that you were just ‘stuck’ to me, but I find that very hard to believe. Sometimes, I have a fleeting thought that everything was just a hoax; but I’ve seen love. I have seen it in your eyes when you watched me sketch and I have heard it in your voice when I woke you up in the morning. I have felt it when you would skip Snooker just to spend a little bit more time with me. And I do not blame you for not being able to keep up. I don’t blame you for finding me overwhelming. I was an ocean and you were a boat, who unknowingly got stuck in the high and mighty waves. You could spend hours and hours on a beach and scream and teach an ocean to act like a lake. But an ocean could never calm itself to the convenience of a boat.
It is funny how many things can set off the thought of you—Korean food, reflector sunglasses, coconut ice-cream or even while riding shot-gun in a car. But even as I am about to move on from this chapter of life onto the next, I sometimes think back on what would happen if we were still together. I do not want to get back with you, and I do believe that everything happens for a reason. You have a beautiful girl and I hope she would bring to you all the happiness that you deserved and even the ones I was not able to give you.
So after 338 days of pain when I saw you at our old coffee place with her, I felt some relief instead of that familiar pang of pain. You had your arms around her and looked at her the way I had always hoped you would look at me one more time.
338 days later I finally realized that it was not anyone’s mistake. It just wasn’t our time. We were meant to learn so much more and do greater things. So after 338 days of bitterness, I would like to thank you.
Thank you for all that you gave me and all that you taught me. Thank you for giving me priceless moments that I reminisce and for pushing me to find the strength to be more alive and achieve greater things. Your faith broke, but you had trust that mine would stand tall, and it did. That you for all that.
The One You Let Go
[Also Read:An Open Letter To The Girl Who Didn’t Feel Beautiful ]